14th October 2008, 12.50 pm, History period (yes, I do bring my diary to school~~)
Cikgu Alias has gone out for a while. He wants to take more questions for us.
Despite most of my grades that I'm very impressed, I still feel that I'm not even close to my goal yet. At the same time, I'm also very scared that I cannot maintain my result for my real SPM exam. To make things worse, I've only got 29 days to recall and to re-read 2 years and 10 subjects of knowledge! just 29 days~!!! That's not even close to 1 month!!!
"Am I crazy?" That would be my everyday ask-myself question. I tend to throw childish tantrums, have mood-swings, sometimes thinking about too many unnecessary stuff and many other weird habits. Do I count as a nut person? I will really not know. At first, I thought that Dr. Lau from the Ipoh Specialists Centre gave me the Amytriptalline (sp.) pills to ease the pain on my left hand. But when I showed the blue pills to Dr Lim & Dr. Lee (my family doctors), both of them said the same thing: my so-called "painkillers" were actually anti-depressant pills! ANTI-DEPRESSANT PILLS!!! I was so shocked at that time. But then, I found out that those pills have really helped me to relax, not to hallucinate and not to imagine weird things and also stopped my weird habits. The pills have also helped me to sleep well and they stopped my midnight nightmares.
However, I've finished the pills a few days ago. The first few days (maybe about 3 days) I was feeling fine. But now...
I'm so scared that I want to cry! But I cannot cry. I don't want Mum to find out. I also don't want my friends to think that I'm a freak. But, I think that I can't hide it any longer. Actually, I barely had any sleep for the last 2 days because of the "nightmares". The weird things is, I can't remember any of those nightmares. I just know that I'll just wake up with my heart pounding so fast that I cannot fall back to sleep.
I just wanna go home now, but it's only 1.40 pm. Another 10 minutes of hell!!!
& I don't know why, but I'm starting to hate EVERYONE, including my best friends, who came close to me. I think my depressed feelings are starting to come back. I'm so scared that I cannot control it any longer... What's wrong with me?!!! Why am I feeling like this?!!! Am I going nuts?!!! Oh God!!! Please release me from this curse I'm in~!!!
I've tried to talk to Mum about it. However, she just told me that my anxiety and panic attacks are coming back. She said that it's because of my upcoming SPM exam, & it will wear off after it's over. When Iasked her whether I need medications, like anti-depressant pills, she just said, "I know you're not crazy. You're just very immature in thinking. So grow up!". She also said that it's all mind over matter. But, I don't think that I can take this any longer... I feel like I'm losing control over myself. Oh what am I going to do?!!!
OK~ So that's one of my entries. It sounds like I'm a nut-job. But then it turns out that I'm just having a down moment. That's because I'm so caught up &worried about my exams & my other activities (note that I had many high positions in many clubs & societies). So, now that I know that writing diaries make me feel even worse, I stopped it. Instead, I turned to Blogspot now. That because I know that I can tell everyone what I'm feeling & I can get help from you guys & I don't have to go nuts & be secretive anymore. Now I'm a very carefree person~!! =D
So, that's all for now. Ciao~!!
Till then...
Signing off,
~Steph~
(the girl y'all never expected to be...)
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